The INFJ Door Slam: Everything You Need to Know

INFJs make great friends since they’re empathetic and loyal. However, the infamous “INFJ door slam” is a phenomenon when a person with this personality type shuts another person out. It can be jarring for people on the receiving end of the door slam to suddenly see such a dramatic shift in their INFJ friend’s behavior.

Whether you’re an INFJ trying to understand yourself better or you’re a friend trying to make sense of the door slam you’ve just experienced, you’ve come to the right place. This complete guide will provide all the essential information you need about the INFJ door slam.

We’ll walk you through the background on the INFJ door slam and the warning signs that one may be coming soon. We’ll also share some information about why this phenomenon happens and what you can do the next time you’re on either side of an INFJ door slam.

What is the INFJ Door Slam?

When INFJs invest in friendships, they’re generous and loyal givers. The INFJ personality type is sometimes called “The Counselor” because of their gift for providing the best insight and advice, a blessing their friends come to appreciate.

They are loyal and empathetic. Like other introverted personality types, they’re gifted listeners who are adept and making their friends feel heard and loved. However, INFJs are extremely private (even more than other introverted personality types).

Combine their need for privacy with their hatred of conflict and you get a person who will do everything possible to avoid addressing difficulties in a friendship or romantic relationship. They may harbor their hurt for weeks or months before the other person even knows something is wrong.

While the other person may be blissfully unaware of the INFJ’s hurt and unresolved feelings, those feelings fester. Over time, the INFJ becomes overwhelmed by their emotions. That overwhelming hurt is what causes the INFJ door slam.

The INFJ door slam happens when an INFJ “slams the door” on your relationship. They shut down and block you out, often with little or no explanation. This reaction can be jarring, especially for the person on the receiving end of the door slam. It may seem sudden, but it’s really the result of weeks or months of hurt and disappointment.

Sometimes this means an INFJ will cut off all communication, although sometimes the door slam is merely emotional. The INFJ will remove themselves from the emotional investment of a particular relationship, although they may still have minimal interactions with the person.

3 Warning Signs of an Impending INFJ Door Slam

The INFJ door slam doesn’t happen overnight. As mentioned in the section above, it’s the result of weeks or months of harbored hurt and resentment. While it may feel sudden and jarring to the person on the receiving end, there are some warning signs loved ones can watch for to avoid an incoming INFJ door slam.

1. There’s a persistent or ongoing dispute between you and an INFJ.

While INFJs can get hurt without the other party knowing, sometimes you’ll be aware of an ongoing dispute between you and an INFJ. For example, you and an INFJ friend may occasionally argue about the same topic. While you might identify lulls between this regularly occurring argument, INFJs may think about the argument constantly.

Disagreements happen. In many cases, you’re able to resolve those problems and move on. However, unresolved arguments or repeated arguments can be hard for an INFJ to cope with, leading them to contemplate slamming the door on the relationship.

2. When you argue with them, they concede too easily.

If an INFJ seems to give up on an argument too easily, don’t assume that the argument is resolved in their mind. When they start giving up on arguments before their feelings have been aired, they might already have a door slam planned.

You can reduce this risk by checking in after an argument to make sure the issue is really resolved. Resist the urge to assume that their silence is a sign that an issue is resolved, since they’re more likely to think about it obsessively than they are to confront you on it.

3. The INFJ seems emotionally distant.

INFJs often emotionally distance themselves from a person before the actual “door slam” occurs. It’s important to carefully analyze their behavior and responses to you. While the door slam itself can be jarring, earlier efforts to create distance were a clear warning sign that the door slam was coming.

You can tell an INFJ is distancing themselves emotionally if they are showing less anger or frustration. While others may take this as a sign that they’re less angry, it can often be one of their first steps toward slamming the door. If your INFJ friend seems to be showing fewer emotions than normal, check in with them to resolve any issues before you experience their infamous door slam.

6 Reasons Why INFJ Door Slams Happen

While some people on the receiving end of an INFJ door slam might not be able to see a reason behind it, there are several reasons why INFJs slam the door on relationships. The following are six of those reasons.

1. The INFJ has been deeply and repeatedly hurt.

INFJs are emotionally sensitive people. While this sensitivity can make them particularly empathetic, it can also leave them vulnerable to getting hurt in relationships. An INFJ will slam the door on a relationship if they’ve reached a place where they cannot move forward from the immense hurt caused by the other person.

While they are often some of the most forgiving and understanding people, they eventually reach a point where they realize a relationship isn’t doing them any good. When they can’t handle the toxic person anymore, they’ll cut the person out to protect themselves from further hurt.

2. The INFJ doesn’t see any other way to stop the emotional pain caused by the relationship.

Emotional harmony is important for most personality types, but it’s an absolute necessity for INFJs. If they feel like the relationship has become too emotionally painful to endure, a door slam may be the only out they can find.

When a relationship becomes toxic, especially if there are emotionally abusive elements to the dynamic, the INFJ may slam the door to protect themselves. If they realize the person is never going to change, removing themselves from the situation entirely becomes their only defense against a harmful or abusive relationship.

3. The INFJ feels like the friendship is one-sided.

INFJs like to feel like their relationships are mutually beneficial. If they feel like they’re always the ones giving and never the ones receiving, they may cut off a relationship so they can allocate their emotional investment into a better, healthier relationship.

When relationships start to feel one-sided, INFJs tend to pull away. This is a gradual and drawn-out process that may take months. Since INFJs are very loyal friends, they’re waiting for any sign that things have changed for the better before they slam the door for good.

4. The INFJ feels misunderstood.

Most introverts feel misunderstood at one time or another. With their high sensitivity, INFJs often feel misunderstood. When this happens, it can cause a gaping emotional wound. Feeling misunderstood is one of the worst feelings for an INFJ, since they work so hard to understand and accept others.

While most INFJs will go their entire lives without feeling like someone entirely understands them, they crave relationships with people who understand their basic motivations and needs. If a person doesn’t understand them on the most basic level, they might slam the door on that relationship.

5. The other person has taken advantage of the INFJ’s compassion.

INFJs are kind, compassionate, and generous. Although they’ll sacrifice everything to benefit a loved one, they can only sustain that self-sacrificial nature in a mutual relationship. They have needs, too. When those needs aren’t met, they can feel like the other person took advantage of their kindness.

This can be tricky, since sometimes INFJs don’t even know what they want. Even if they don’t voice their wants and needs, that doesn’t mean they don’t have them. Parasitic relationships can leave INFJs feeling unloved. Instead of complaining about the uneven give and take, they’re more likely to plan their exit from the relationship.

6. The relationship itself isn’t authentic.

INFJs crave authentic relationships. They want to invest in deep and authentic relationships with a few people, instead of many superficial friendships. Like all introverts, they hate small talk. They’d much rather jump in and have deep conversations that build close relationships.

If an INFJ is in a relationship where intimacy and authenticity aren’t being built, they’ll likely choose to use their energy elsewhere. They want every friendship to be an authentic and worthwhile connection. When they realize it isn’t happening the way they envisioned, they’ll prepare for another door slam.

How INFJs Can Prevent a Door Slam

Sometimes INFJs don’t even fully understand the reasons behind their door slam. Although they often slam the door on relationships to protect themselves from hurt, slamming the door can also inflict some emotional damage.

While a relationship can come back from a door slam, it can sometimes do irreparable damage to the friendship. It’s important for INFJs to carefully think about the relationship before giving it up for good. Healthy boundaries are important. If another person violates those boundaries, you absolutely should cut off the friendship.

However, there are times when INFJs slam the door just a little bit too soon. If there are still things that you can do to fix the relationship, it’s worth investing in that instead of shutting the door and moving on. As hard as it may be, openly sharing your feelings and the consequences of your friend’s actions can help them remedy the situation.

How Others Can Prevent an INFJ Door Slam

Although INFJs are the ones who slam the door, the other party can do a lot to prevent this extreme reaction. INFJs don’t reach the point of slamming the door overnight. It’s often the result of weeks or months of internalized hurt from ongoing issues in the friendship.

If you’re friends with an INFJ, take steps to “slam proof” your relationship. Regularly check in on your INFJ friend and ask how they’re doing. Talks about their interests instead of only your own. Even though they’re content to listen to you, make sure they also have space to be heard.

When you have a conflict with an INFJ friend, check in on them, even after you think the issue is resolved. Don’t assume that their silence means agreement, since many INFJs will conceal their hurt as they plan their exit.

Take some time to look at your own feelings and actions. If you realize you’ve been a toxic person to be around, never underestimate the value of apologizing to your INFJ friend. Little movements in the right direction go a long way in bridging the gap between INFJs and their loved ones.

Final Thoughts

The INFJ door slam may feel sudden and extreme, but it’s often the final step in a long internal battle. INFJs slam the door on relationships when they feel like the relationship has become too toxic, one-sided, and hurtful for them to remain in it.

So what happens when the door slams? Is there any way to come back from that?

Sometimes the door slam is the definitive end to a relationship, especially if the other party isn’t willing to admit fault or change. While friendships can bloom again after the ravaging effects of an INFJ door slam, these friendships will take extensive, intentional cultivation before they can thrive.

The INFJ door slam is the end of a chapter, but it doesn’t always have to mean the end of the entire relationship. Amends can be made, even when an INFJ has decided to shut a person out.